*Tool: Parts conflict resolution
Objective: To have parts move from enemies to collaborators finding a new solution.
Whenever there’s a persistent complaint that produces the same results, there always is a payoff (benefit) and a cost (disadvantage). If we make the unconscious (fear based on past) become conscious (current time truth)...then double bind can resolve itself towards healing in current time
*Tool: Feeling a feeling
Objective: To help client differentiate between “actual feelings” (physical sensations in their body) and “story-about-feelings”….which is often the compulsive habit.
*Tool: Emotional regulation or self-regulation
Objective: To center self in the present moment adult self and take back our power.
Tool: Un-enmeshing from energy that isn’t yours (precedes self-regulation process)
Objective: Create more resource for self-regulation
Tool: Reparenting (internal attachment figure soothes inner child)
Objective: Self-regulation, creating resource to take new action
Tool: Calibration (intensity of sensory experience on 0-10 scale)
Objective: Clarity, shared reality
Tool: Reframing (eg. glass half empty vs glass half full)
Objective: Creating new frames and possibilities
Tool: Congruence
Objective: Align with reality and create more possibility
When a breakthrough happens, practice having a grounded, calm, neutral, “of course” reaction to it rather than incredulity and disbelief.
Example: Instead of “I can’t believe this is happening to me, I’ve been waiting 20 years for this”, try “This makes a lot of sense. I’ve earned this, it feels right for this to be happening now”
Tool: Self-esteem builders (Annie’s go-tos)
Objective: Build self-esteem
- Track where you are doing things right
- Track moments of gratitude and delight
Tool: Designer chords
Objective: to belong yourself to your family of origin in a conscious and empowering way.
- Track what thought, emotion, behavior you’re proud of in yourself that you can trace back to your family. Belong and associate yourself with them through this conscious and empowered cord.
Tool: Healing family dynamics (Book reference: Mother Hunger - Kelly McDaniel)
Objective: To properly heal from attachment wounds
- Feel the pain/rage with a non-partial witness (coach, therapist, someone who can hold space) To dignify, validate, honor the pain.
- Morning the parent you wish you had but never will
- Recognition of what occurred (honor the pain) but release blame.
Tool: I love you more than …. (my anger, this fight, etc.)
Objective: The behaviors that clients display in a fight often do not reflect love. When you say something like…”I’m angry…and I love you more than my anger" or we’re fighting, but I love you more than this fight”…love is back on the scene. Which is a more accurate reflection of the truth.
Tool: Prayer: I love you, you love me breath
Objective: Increase capacity for receiving or giving love
- Think of someone you love
- Breath out: I love you (giving)
- Let love be sent so it arrives
- Imagine love flowing out of you and gently into the body of another. Imagine your love dancing with the cells of their body and heart.
- Breath in: You love me (receiving)
- Let love arrive from where it’s being sent
- Imagine love flowing out from another and gently into your body. Imagine their love dancing with the cells of your body and heart.
- Repeat x 10
Tool: Agreement staircase: Is it possible for me?
Objective: To determine the level of skepticism a client has in relation to their desire, and to determine where to begin coaching them. Use tool when client expresses disbelief, incredulity, impossibility (skepticism) in relation to having/getting their desire (will often come up in scaffolding questions).
- Is it theoretically possible….to have a soulmate AND X? Where the soulmate enhances and helps X? Where X is what the client thinks they’d have to give up.
- Is it possible in the world at large?
- Is it possible for you?
Tool: Reparenting visualization
Objective: to heal painful childhood experiences
- Envision the past instance. Place your current adult as a barrier and protection between your younger self and parent.
- Turn toward younger self and let them know “I’ve got you, you can relax now.”
- Then turn toward parent and give a MLK pep talk. Lovingly bitch slap them into a new action with your younger self (eg. “That’s not the kind of parent you are. I know you’re a great mother. This is your opportunity”).
- Then you step out of the frame and let it unfold in a new way.
Tool: Become the leader in conflict
Objective: Shift out of victim narrative and into your power via leadership
- Tool: Self-regulation (aka co-regulation with inner little one)
- The “It’s not fair part is your inner little one.” You’ve got to build an internal attachment figure for her and regulate her first before you can take any other action.
- Tool: Generating compassion
Visualize your partner as a child who’s enduring the same tortuous crazy they’re displaying with you only they’re dealing with it 24/7 from their parents.
- Tool: Generating leadership stance “if it’s to be, it’s up to me.”
- Remember that you chose your partner…you hired them to emancipate you from your shadow…to grow your young parts into adult parts.
- When you’re in an open hearted space, write a letter to yourself about all the things that are true, beautiful, and honest about your partner and relationship. Recall this letter when you’re upset and/or in conflict.
* See corresponding Coaching Gym for more detailed explanation of process.
Other useful tools:
The work by Byron Katie
(reference: https://thework.com/instruction-the-work-byron-katie/)
- Is it true? This question can change your life.
- Can you absolutely know it's true?
- What happens when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without the thought?
- Turn the thought around (invert the accusation)