1. Check in

• Invite Brag - What’s going well? Opens space with esteem building
• Upgrade desires - What’s something that could work even better?
• Track: will you be putting out fires or is this a maintenance call?

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2. Invite desire/problem state

• Listen deeply to the desired upgrade (typically expressed in form of complaint, pain, confusion) and the perceived obstacles in the way
• Mirror back client desire/experience until you’ve got it better than they do
• Feel a feeling exercise if tension ﹥5/10 (use whenever necessary)

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3. Track the Crazy

• Track the pattern they run that co-creates their status quo reality
• Track for internal and external incongruence (parts conflict). 
• Does part of them not want the upgrade? What might get lost if they got it?
• Give voice to and dignify marginalized parts and patterns.

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4. Translator/interpreter - reading between the lines (find the owie)

• Where is the parts conflict/ values conflict? What need/value is the client standing for? Not being met? 
• What’s the misunderstanding? All conflicts can be distilled down to “you don’t love me” misunderstandings. How does the client not feel loved?
• What tacit or explicit assumptions is the client making about themself, their partner, or how the world works? 
• Mirror back observations with dignity and love for both partners.

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5. Test disempowering frames and offer empowering frames/beliefs

• Flip assumptions and disempowering beliefs on their head. What possibilities do they not see, yet? Invite creative inquiry
• How might the world be different than they see it? 
• How is the client not in alignment with their own values? 

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6. Is this habit/pattern getting you what you want?

• There is no right or wrong, just useful or not useful. Ask client if the status quo pattern is getting them what they want. If not…ask them if they're open to trying something new. 
• Balance support vs. challenge in the moment. Every client needs a certain amount of yes-ing “(there there”, comfort)  and a certain amount of “bitch slap” into taking responsibility. What is needed here?  Attune and titrate how much ‘there, there’ and how much “wake-up to your power” is required. Once the client's feelings are witnessed, they’re more likely to pull themselves out of crater (with your help). 

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7. Endogenous motivation toward behavior and value alignment

• If a client would do better off if they tried X behavior, inquire how would they feel about the version of themself that did X instead? Would they fall more in love with themself?
• Use mostly “carrot” (toward motivation) as much as possible. If you use “stick” (away from motivation), use it sparingly and with care/playfulness
• Shaming is almost always suboptimal, unless used very consciously, intentionally with a fun, homeopathic dose.

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8. Educate

• What supporting facts, research studies, anecdotal stories, etc  can you share to educate about the fundamentals of relating?
• What works and what doesn’t in a relationship based on your professional experience and science?
• What concepts (eg. repair, trust, love, positive reinforcement) does the client need a more sophisticated understanding of?

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9. It takes two to tango

• Remind the client that they are ALWAYS co-creating their reality.
• The client is responsible for cleaning up their own crazy, not their partners
• If there is a conflict it means their crazy is on the scene, if they can’t find it they gotta keep looking for ways they unwittingly contributed to the pain point.

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10.   Complete steps 1-8 with second partner

• The process is rarely linear. As the call progresses and you gain more insight, you’ll move more fluidly between clients, always attending to the partner who is lowest in resource first. 

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11. The bigger picture

• Mirror back the larger pattern and what it’s costing them and the relationship. ROI for the status quo pattern is lower than they think. The cost is greater than they think. Point this out.
• What is the misunderstanding/conflict? How are they failing to see love from their partner?
• Can we resolve/transcend the misunderstanding “my partner doesn't love me?” Help both partners affirm their love, despite their upset.

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12.  Inspire and encourage

• Help clients remember that this confusion/frustration/tension is part of love. This “drama” is what love looks like today. Love includes ALL the emotions, not just the happy ones.
• Help clients remember who they are and who they want to be in love. Market to them using their own personality, values, and aspirations. Status quo behaviors typically reduce self-esteem. We often think that it’s our partner's behavior that’s making us feel bad, but it’s actually our own unconscious suboptimal behavior that makes us feel bad. Whenever you act in a way that is out of rapport with your own values it reduces your self-esteem, which then gets projected on your partner as “them making you feel bad.”

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13.   Client Homework- optimize for resetting imbalance and promoting collaboration

• Repeat new empowering frames for them to remember
• Offer a practical action that isn’t too easy or too hard(4-6/10 edge). Think, where is the client lopsided in their behavior? What actions would rebalance them?
• Clients must feel proud of their new behaviors. Their self-image must be positively impacted. They must like themselves more for it. The relationship must feel more nourished for it.

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