1. If the client is very dysregulated, contracted, upset: 

• Regulate yourself first
• Co-regulate client second (until they can do it themselves)
• Honor the rightness of their response, validate feelings
• Only then attempt to reframe or inspire behavior change.

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2. If the client uses shaming, deprecating, disparaging language (any disempowering or counterproductive narrative) toward self or partner (eg. I don’t know what to do, my thighs are fat, my partner never listens to me):

• Honor their thought, feeling, action first
• Become a defense lawyer for the marginalized part second
• Uncover the unmet need. Every criticism, judgment, complaint is an unmet need in disguise. 

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3. If you track contraction, impatience, or boredom in your NS, you’re moving further away from the resolution (client has likely taken the reins). 
   
   To move closer to resolution:

• Honor
• Validate
• Interrupt
• Redirect/ Reframe

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4. If what you’re doing isn’t working in the call, the client likely doesn't feel safe enough (yet) to do their work:

• More yes-ing to their pain and anger (validate, honor, dignify). 
• Allow client to shudder out their pain, compassionate stance
• Attempt reframe and behavior change after they feel fully heard

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5. If the client displays incongruence:

• Highlight it to theme sans shame: “I noticed you said you’re not upset, yet there seems to be some frustration & anger in your voice as you describe his behavior.” 
• Then be a refuge for their feelings: “I want you to know upset is safe with me and all your feelings are safe & welcomed here.”

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6. Every time the client is making something wrong in their reality, they’re dodging an opportunity in themselves to excavate a piece of shadow. You can choose a victim stance and make reality wrong or you can develop yourself and make a change. If the client is making something in reality wrong (looks like shaming, blaming self or other “looser, fat, lazy, etc):

• Regulate self (feeling grounded allows you to be available to client)
• Co-regulate other (teach them, don’t make them dependent)
• Ask questions so client can express issue/upset/concerns, validate client
• Once client begins to loop (nothing new, only repeating), interrupt
• Invite reframe/ thought experiment: What if the thing I’m making wrong is a fixed piece of reality (not malleable or mutable). So as an individual, what do I have to do to pivot and dance to find new ways to relate to the fixed piece of reality because it’s not going to change. What would I have to think, feel, believe, in order for that to be right. When you do this, you become an upgraded, more powerful version of yourself you are more proud of.

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