1. Deep listening (verbal and non verbal cues, scan for shame/ blame of self or other) 

2. Ask bold, clarifying questions (use your genuine curiosity, ask until you understand, lead the intimacy level by creating safety)

3. Express your personal belief in client and  relationship ( I believe in you /your love)

4. Emotional self-regulation (key skill to practice & teach clients)

5. Co-regulation of clients (temporary…you must wean them onto themselves)

6. Interrupting client stories with skill (if they’re rambling and you feel contracted, it’s time for a interruption, the client has likely taken the reins & going nowhere useful)

7. Dignifying patterns the client disparages in themselves (track: judgment, shame, blame, make wrong), be defense lawyer for their shamed parts 

8. Balancing carrot (toward motivation) vs. stick (away from motivation). Carrot as much as possible and use stick only when you run out of carrot. Curling vs hockey.

9. Focus less on the client's words and more on their behavior. What are they actually doing or not doing? Behavior indicates actual values. People say what they want (typically aspirational), but behavior shows the true state of affairs. 

10. Always get buy in before proceeding. Don’t steamroll over client hesitations. In homework as well. Hesitations are hints of where to find the double bind. 

11. Pace, pace, lead (⅔ build rapport w client, ⅓  lead then somewhere new)
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12. Future Pacing (incept belief of inevitable success in their future with your words)

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