What do people fight about?
People fight about sex, money, food, parenting, time/attention, introvert/extrovert needs, family dynamics (eg: inlaws), differing values, ect.
Sample complaint
My partner did “the bad thing” and I’m upset. They need to stop doing “the bad thing” for me to be ok. All complaints represent an unmet need, that is usually getting outsourced to the other.
One layer deep
Common misunderstandings
The upset under the complaint is always funded by the same belief/feeling “you don’t love me right now”...which is always a misunderstanding. Tune into how each client doesn't feel loved. It will often sounds something like:
- You don’t understand me
- You don’t see me
- You don’t respect me
- You don’t appreciate/ honor me or my values
The clients love each other, or they wouldn’t be fighting and they wouldn’t be on a call with a coach. The opposite of love isn’t hate or fighting…it’s indifference. So the coach's role is to translate the values/needs/desires of each partner clearly such that the misunderstanding gets resolved and the love gets re-presenced.
Two layers deep
Common (false) dichotomies
All dichotomies (this/that, on/off switch) are false. As children we think in black/white but as we become more sophisticated as humans, we transcend dichotomies and understand them as a spectrum (dimmer switch). Common false dichotomies you’ll encounter with clients in a conflict are:
- Me vs. We/ Together vs. Apart/ Freedom vs. Devotion (fundamental dichotomy)
- Safety vs. Growth
Healthy relationships require equal parts we and me. In a conflict, each client is standing for the “opposite” polarity. We need to help clients see that both perspectives have a genius and when they can tessellate together they’ll get a more productive outcome (collaboration).